Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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