This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
