so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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