Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
