Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
