I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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