just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
