I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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