I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize