using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
