Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
