I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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