id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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