i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
