Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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