I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
