I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
