I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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