listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
