I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
