I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
