Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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