I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
