I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
