Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
