here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
