So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
