Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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