the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
