I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
my poor anus
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
