I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
