I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
