You don't have asthma, your pregnant
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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