I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
