i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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