There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
