In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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