Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
