Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
