I just saw a hot homeless man
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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