literally had 100 drinks last night.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
