i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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