I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Fuck appropriateness.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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