2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize