I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
