Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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