No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Randomize
