she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
