I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
