I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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