R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
