at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Randomize
