I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Less talking, more tequila
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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