just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
