please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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