i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
