who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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