I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
