p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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