Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
